WhatsApp-ealing WhatsApp-alling

  • Alka Gurha
  • India
  • Apr 10, 2015

So we are driving out of our apartment complex when we see a lady walking in the middle of the road. Since honking in the residential area is a strict no-no, we slow down and wait for her to make way for the car. But the lady with the headphones continues to walk… busy smiling at her phone. When we rev up the engine, she turns and gives us an angry urban middle class stare. Then, as we drive past, she does a little pantomime to say something like, ‘Can’t you see, idiots? Andhe ho kyaa?’ Or some such polite retort. It is amazing how we have begun to dedicatedly engage in an activity called WhatsApp-ing - gazing at our phones absent-mindedly or star struck as millions of ingenious bots push the limits of ‘creativity’. With more than seventy million WhatsApp users in India, everyone and his nephew is rattling off jokes and/or laughing mercilessly. And after you have lolled and rolled, they urge you to forward the joke because ‘market mein naya hai’. 

Being tech-challenged, I woke up late to this tech wonder. I had to buy a new phone after being continuously sidelined by friends who made plans for ‘meet-ups’ using this app. Little did I know that WhatsApp will also bring me closer to relatives that I had never met…or had any desire to meet. Those who had never said hello in person now wish me ‘good morning’ at five in the morning. The good person that I am, I reciprocate by forwarding them the longest possible lame joke around bedtime. I wasn’t good on religion, but I now wish all my friends a happy ‘Guruvaar’ by sharing divine pictures of gurus. What began as a party planner tool has made me so devout that much before I debate breakfast choices, I forward holy messages lest some unforeseen tragedy befalls me that day. For someone who was also historically challenged, unaware of the different kinds of ‘New Years’, this miraculous App enables me to wish Chinese, Islamic, Thai and Hindi New Years. What’s more, WhatsApp has also infused my staid ‘atma’  with the spirit of ‘killer shayari’. However, there’s nothing more challenging than being visually so. So when I posted a ‘thumbs-up’ in response to the loss of an Indian wicket, I had to profusely apologise and tearfully clarify that I was no traitor. I was just groggy or without my reading glasses. It gets worse. I wasn’t even aware that there was an icon for ‘shit’. As recently as last month, perhaps in my slumber, I posted the dirty icon in response to a picture of my cousin’s fiancé. Needless to say I wasn’t invited for the engagement party.

So what’s my quibble? None. Except that I wish there was a way to restrict messages longer than twenty words. I also wish there was a way to exit the group without anyone knowing about it. Of course I have the choice to mute and ignore, but that means I sometimes lose important messages. Now, somehow, if I could get access to the AAP WhatsApp, I would love to find out who is the ‘chor’, who is ‘mila hua’ and who is the real ‘Kamina’ (or ‘Kaminey’). 

 

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